What are they: Acceptance, Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Allowing
Price: Dedication, Mindfulness & Consistency
Value: A loving life

The 5 A’s are needed in love.  In love meaning, demonstration of love because saying the simplest words, “I love you” falls on deaf ears when not acted upon. In fact, the Buddhists say that it is impossible for one (I, the individual) to love. The “I” cannot love. Only love itself is love and that is shown by a person giving the 5 A’s.

Have I done this consistently in my life? Is that possible to do all the time? No to both. I haven’t given all five A’s at all times to my loved ones nor to a wide circle of friends and acquaintences. Has it happened at all? Yes of course. I try to incorporate all five A’s in my daily interactions. Most of the time I succeed. Many times I do not. That’s okay, I’ve come to learn. These A’s are ideals to live by and not to wrack our minds with if we cannot achieve them at every moment. I guess I’m grappling with my own humanity. Learning how to accept myself is the big one. Because I’ve found out, if I cannot do that entirely with me, then how on earth can I do it with others?

My husband is my best friend, my closest ally, my supportive coach and I his. If it weren’t for the 5 A’s we would not be together. Earlier in my life I chose partners who proved my theory that the 5 A’s were not possible. It’s because I had low self-esteem. I did not believe I was worthy of receiving all or any of the 5 most critical attributes of love, the 5 A’s.

Giving attention means being present with your mind, heart and soul. Present. A present of your self to another. You make a gift of your full attention when you give it over. It doesn’t mean thinking about your work, your fitness regime or any other thousands of to-do’s that pop into your head, twittering while your loved one is talking, looking askance at the wall or miming yeah yeah’s, nodding your head or smiling without HEARing what your loved one is saying. Listening without interruption is one of life’s most precious ways of giving attention.

Acceptance sounds easier than it is. How many of us wish our partners, parents, siblings, in-laws and friends to be different? Either a whole lot or just a teensy weeny bit? Acceptance is a total act of faith. To accept someone in the here and now allows space for change, room for growth. To reject someone and their foibles closes the possibility of improvement because a judgment is being made. The way I accept the qualities in others (and in myself) that I formerly rejected is by meditating on a single breath or mantra: All is good in my universe. I accept myself and everyone around me just as they are and not the way I want them to be.

Appreciation can be displayed in a thousand ways. From a warm glance to a tender touch, to gift giving, to making sensual love, to lighting a candle at dinner or preparing a meal (try Tabla’s ready-to-go dinners from Fresh Direct if you’re an insecure chef). It is heartfelt. Smiling and laughing are wonderful ways to show appreciation. Praise is as well. When someone you love is confronted with difficulties, they need understanding and empathy; surefire ways to show your appreciation. A simple thank you says a thousand words. Sometimes the best way to thank someone you love is when they are angry with you or deeply hurt by something you said or did. Thank them for sharing their feelings with you and you’ll see the anger, hurt and sorrow dissipate like a cloud.

Affection cannot be underrated. So many of us have been brought up without any signs of affection. Affection is to me closely connected with physical touch although not exclusively. The mere sensate joy of a simple hug brings light into my life. Touching, smiling, laughing, kissing, fondling, messing up your child’s hair and him/her making a mess of yours, embracing… even a warm pancake handshake with the other person’s hand locked in-between your two is a show of affection. In Japan, a deep bow can be interpreted as a sign of affection. Writing poems, playing music, painting or drawing and building things can be signs of affection for a special someone.

Allowing someone to be who they are and to react they way they do at any given moment in time is for me, one of the hardest of the 5 A’s. That’s because my inner critic, a terribly uptight judge with a beak like nose and pointy wagging finger, thin lips and beady eyes is admonishing them (inadvertently they criticize me). This supercilious judge appears in front of my mind’s eye when I perceive a threat, danger or attack from someone I don’t like. It can be someone who triggers some childhood fears. It could be my own family members whom I cherish. It can be a stranger who I don’t know anything about yet he/she illicits in me feelings of superiority because the reasoning goes,  my gut feeling tells me they’re no good, I’m better etc…..”

Allowing also means understanding that the temporal world is ephemeral. All things will pass. There is no need to hold onto the emotions of the past, allow them to filter out and away. Allow pain – bodily, emotional or psychological to overcome you without putting up a fight. Embrace it and it too shall pass.